© Peta Heskell
Since they were boys, men have been taught not to feel. Pick yourself up, don't cry, be a man. Those messages were taken to heart and as men, the only person they feel at all comfortable being intimate with, sharing at least a little of what's going on inside of them, is their wife. He'll begin to share things he may have never told you before, no matter how long you've been married. You really are his only source of intimacy. Kara Oh - American writer
Even though guys are programmed to be tough and conceal their emotions they are still emotional beings. Sometimes we women think that we have a monopoly on 'feelings'. We don't. We also need to understand that men handle their emotions differently. One thing I do know is that it's unhealthy to deny emotions. If we suppress the symptoms they will come out somewhere else. Our man needs to let out his emotions and we can help him to do it, his way. You can become a haven for your man. A place where, in safety he can come and be his true self and feel good about it. He will realise you understand him. AND he will come back to you because it feels good. What more could you want!
Integrity guidelines
A man may be less comfortable with feeling vulnerable than we are so we need to create a safe environment in which he can open out. There are a couple of integrity guidelines [IG's] we need to observe. Some men don't mind what you share with other people. Others are quite sensitive or may be telling you such an intimate secret that they wouldn't want anyone to know. You need to clarify where your man stands and act accordingly. If he tells you something very intimate, and he asks you to keep it to yourself. Do so!
That said, I have to add that I am much happier with a man who is self-assured not to worry what people think.
The other IG is that you NEVER NEVER use this against him in an argument. Throwback is a dirty game and if you continue, soon he'll stop wanting to play any games with you.
We need to let our man know it's OK to talk and we need to show him that he can remain empowered when he does.
When he begins to talk, pay attention to him with ALL your senses. Listen to what he is saying, watch where he is putting his hands, match and feel how he is breathing, decide that he is for these moments, the most fascinating creature in the universe. Imagine him as some powerful animal or a fast car or bike. When you focus on these things you will begin to pay closer attention to him and you will be sending him unconscious signals that stimulate his 'maleness'. He will sense your reactions to him. Keep your mouth firmly SHUT!
When he does have a problem he may want to sound off or sound it out. One thing is sure, he wants to solve it. Be flattered that he is sharing his inner doubts and challenges with you. Don't criticize him or remind him that it's his own fault.
Make him feel good about himself, remind him of what he's good at and situations he's faced before and resolved. Ask him if you can help him find a solution. If he does want help and if it's appropriate for you to give it, ask him how you can help. Do not suggest solutions, help him to find his own. And above all don't expect him to process it agonizing step by agonizing step. Save that for your girlfriends!
